YARDVIBEZ MAGAZINE & PROMOTION

Things A Jamaica Would Never Do

Mi deh yah ah tink and realize seh, dere are sometings yuh woulda neva see we a do, hear we ah seh or even attempt fi try... Tek fir instance...

• Yuh eva see Jamaicans a climb mountain wid flag and claim victory when dem reach di top? Yuh ever see we ah hang out inna di miggle of di Amazon jungle? Fi wa reason???
• Yuh ever see we a jump outta plane wid one parachute or a boast seh we going bungee jumping next Sunday?
• Yuh eva see we inna sea bout we looking fi di Great White Sharks? No sah we wi watch it pon TV.
• Yuh eva hear a J'can man seh, "My best friend is a batty man, and mi nuh shame fi seh so??????"
• Yuh eva hear a J'can in ah Search & Rescue pan mountain. A mi sen dem up mountain? Dem find dem way up, dem fe find dem way dung again. Idiat dem! A nature way fe weed de weak and any hungry animal up deh!
• Yuh eva see a Jamaican acting pon big screen going nto a haunted house and asking..."Trevah yuh in deh?" If him foolish enuf fi go ina di haunted house him an di duppy dem caang fight it out in deh.
• Yuh eva hear a Jamaican man seh.."no honey...no need to cook rice and  peas wid oxtail and a little chicken pon a Sunday...... mek we order in a  pizzza nuh?" Try yu best.....not pon yu life.
• Yuh eva si a J'can man wearing tight pants or speedos on the beach???? ahhhmm, errr, heeem.. yes .. ah tink dem call dem chi chi man?
• Yuh eva si a jamaican come a work an tell everbaddy dem bizniz how dem  neva bade dis mawning, jus brush teet and wash face....
• Yuh eva si a jamaican wey luv talk ova ppl food, put dem face inna it an sey dat looks and smell good. No sah! Dat wi cause a fight.
• Yuh ever see a Jamaican go inna di company fridge, and go tek weh next person sangwige and nyam it off?
• Yuh ever hear Jamaican pickney tel! l dem madda fi shut up, and di madda go tek seat inna kitchen, tek out cigarette start smoke and seh she nuh know wah fi do wid di pickney? NO! One bax crass him face fi sure. An if dem live in New Yaak dem sen dem to Jamaica fi di Summer and den di adda relatives fix dem bizniz and dem go back wid mannaz.
• Yuh eva see Jamaican tek meat outta fridge and stick it inna oven widout lickle seasoning?
• Yuh eva hear Jamaican inna di werkplace ah talk bout how much tiyme him wife mek him sleep pan di couch? Crazy tings dat, cause even if she shut di door she expect im fi kick it open.

 A young Jamaican yute, Errol, asks his step-dad for some help. He says, '

Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?'

His step-father looks up thoughtfully, and says, 'Mek mi show yuh. Go ask your mother if she

would sleep with Beres Hammond for one million dollars.
Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Beres Hammond for one million dollars. Then go ask your brother if him would sleep with Beres Hammond for one million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you find out.'The yute is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his stepfather means.He asks his mother, 'Mammy if someone gave you a million dollars would you sleep with Beres Hammond?' His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, 'Don't tell yuh poopah, but yes, I would.'Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her,'Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Beres Hammond?' His sister looks up and says, 'Cho! Him kinda old still but with the amount a clothes I could buy definitely I would give him a grine!' Then he goes to his brother's room and asks him, 'Eh yow, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Beres Hammond?' His brother thinks about it for a minute and says, 'Fyah bun fi dem ting deh but fi a million bucks, I suppose I would. Just one time though'.Errol goes back to his stepfather and says, 'Poopah I believe that I figure it out. Potentially, we are sitting on three million dollars, but in reality, we are living with two skettels and one battyman.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing
an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young,student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.

"Nurse",he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"

Embarrassed,the young nurse replies,"I don't know, Sir
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse,please check. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and
heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown,holds his manhood
in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says,there's nothing
wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,smiles at her and
says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......

A r e - my - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k?

A guy is driving his Kriss deportee down a dusty Jamaican country road when he sees a sign, “Star apples J$100.00 each”.

Curious to find out why one star apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the star apples are so expensive. The farmer says, “Bway dese are special bulla and pear star apples. Here, try one nuh?” The man takes a bite and says, “Unbelievable; I taste the pear, but not the bulla.” The farmer says, “Just turn it around an bite again man.” He does so and he savours a sweet bulla.

The farmer says, “Mi have fish an’ festival star apple, too, but dem is $200.00 each.” The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, “Wow, these are great but I taste the fish but not the festival!.” The farmer says, “Just turn it around, man.” He does, takes a bite and the unmistakable taste of a sweet crunchy festival fills his mouth.

The farmer nods in approval and says, “Now, if you really like dat, mi ‘ave some extra special apples dat cost $500.00 each. They’re pum pum apples.” “Pum Pum apples?” The man cannot resist and whips out his $500.00 note. He takes a bite and spits out in disgust, shouting “YUCK, these taste like shit!” The farmer cooly responds, “Jus’ tun it ’round, man!!”

Ah Cuss Out De Boss

Three prisoners are waiting to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Trini responds, "A chicken Roti." The warden serves him his Roti, and then escorts him to his execution.

The Jamaican requests Jerk Pork. The warden serves him his Jerk Pork, and then escorts him to his execution.

The Bajan requests a bag of plums. The warden asks: "plums???"

"Yes,plums" says the Bajan.

The warden replies, "but them outa season!"

"So?" replies the Bajan. "I gine wait..." 

Trini Again

On a BWIA flight from New York to Trinidad, the aircraft passes through a severe storm over the Bahamas. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse until suddenly in the height of the storm one wing of the plane is struck by lightning. 

A yankee woman seated near the front is so scared that she loses iit completely. Screaming hysterically, she stands up in the aisle yelling at the top of her lungs: "I'm too young to die! I'm too young to die!!!". Then she adds, "Well, if I'm going to die, I at least want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my lifetime, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this planewho can make me feel like a WOMAN at least ONCE before I die??" 

For a moment there is stunned silence in the cabin. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate yankee woman in the front of the plane. 

Then, a Trini man stands up in the rear of the plane. "Ah could make yuh feel like a woman," he says in a deep, melodious voice.

He's handsome, tall, well-built, looking good like only a Trini man could. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The air is electric in the cabin as he approaches the woman, who is now flushed and breathing heavily in anticipation. He removes his shirt. Bulging muscles ripple across his chest, belly and arms as he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: 

"Iron dis fuh meh, nah?"

A jamaican guy enters a resturant and while sitting at his table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensive champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it she will be his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying that its from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the jamaican, the note reads…

“For me to accept this bottle you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers.”

After Reading this note the jamaican sends back a note of his own, it reads…

“jus su yuh know…me av a bran new benz an a bran new bimma park up inna mi yard, an mi av over 10 million inna de bank but nuhbaddy an mi mean NUHBADDY nah gon mek mi cut 3 inch off a wah mi av inna mi pants…suh yuh can jus sen back di champagne!”

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that
there is a different hell for each country.
He goes first to the German hell and asks “What do
they do here?” He is told “First they put you in an
electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a
bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil
comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he
moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the
Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they
are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Jamaican hell and finds that
there is a very long line of people waiting to get
in. Amazed he asks “What do they do here?” He is told
“First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the Jamaican devil comes in and whips you for
the rest of the day.”
“But that is exactly the same as all the other hells
- why are there so many people waiting to get in?” he
asked. “Because there is never any electricity
therefore the electric chair does not work, someone
tief all the nails so there’s none to lay you on, and
the devil used to work for government so he comes in,
signs the attendance register and then goes back
home..